


Realisations

by IW28



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 5+1 Things, Aromantic Harry Potter, Asexual Character, Asexual Harry Potter, Asexuality, Bisexual Dean Thomas, Gay Draco Malfoy, Hogwarts Eighth Year, I only got to 4, Mostly Canon Compliant, No Beta We Die Like Dobby, So yeah, argh!!!, why won't Ao3 put my tags in the right order
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28832442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IW28/pseuds/IW28
Summary: In which Harry goes over events in his life that make him question his sexuality. Set after the Battle of Hogwarts and throughout Eighth Year.Or, alternatively: The four times harry didn't recognise the clues that he was asexual/aromantic and the one time he did.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 42





	Realisations

Throughout his life Harry had always had a deep-set need to fit in, to blend into the background whenever he could, of course, him being who it was that never happened, but still he tried anyway, it was a safety net of sorts. It was probably in part due to his time at the Dursley’s, but he suspected, even without being raised to fear being singled out, he would still never enjoy the spotlight. Despite this, when he was with a group of people his own age, he often felt like an outsider looking in, part of the group but also always seemingly on the periphery, especially through his teenage years. At the time he put it down to his chosen one shit, but looking back maybe there was a different underlying reason after all.

* * *

**Clue 1: Aftermath of Battle of Hogwarts**

Harry looked at her body, he was exhausted and ready to drop on his feet, but he knew he owed everyone of the people lying prone on the floor of the great hall. They had all laid down their lives for him, and as such they deserved his recognition. They deserved so much more than that, but right now this was all he could give. Before him lay the small figure of Cho Chang, she had the peaceful look of someone who had been hit by the killing curse, not a mark on her. Looking at her, he recalled a memory of fifth year...

Harry was 15 when he had his first kiss. Cho was a girl who most definitely had a thing for him, confirmed by Hermione, and after a particularly good DA lesson it was just the two of them left in the room of requirement. Harry was just packing away his things, keeping his distance from the girl who didn’t seem to be leaving, just staring at the mirror with the photos on. It was only when he noticed the tear tracks on her face that he decided to try to engage her in conversation. 

He had distracted her from the memory of Cedric with some poor jokes at his own expense, and she had turned to face him, saying she had to leave but not actually making a move to do so. Instead seemed to be waiting for something, looking into his eyes almost hopefully. So taking the initiative he had leaned his head towards hers, and when she didn’t lean away, but instead also leaned towards him he had kissed her. He had had no idea what he was doing and while she kept kissing him he kissed her back until he pulled away. She blushed and took a deep breath. Harry didn’t know what to do next so just stood there, hands by his side. Cho seemed to realise this and smiled shyly before walking out the room with a backwards glance at him, saying ‘see you Harry.’

After she left Harry continued to clear away the room trying to process what had happened. It wasn’t as though he was expecting his first kiss to be amazing like in the stories, it was just he wouldn’t have said he really... enjoyed the kiss, but then again it wasn’t as if he didn’t like it either. All in all it was a pretty… meh experience, very anticlimactic. At the time he had thought this was because he was inexperienced, or perhaps the talk of Cedric had made him feel slightly guilty, or perhaps and this was probably closest to the truth he wasn’t actually that attracted to Cho and had kissed her because she seemed to be expecting it and at 15 he felt a little embarrassed at not having had his first kiss. He hadn’t kissed anyone since.

That guilt returned to him now stronger than ever, Cho had obviously cared about him then and he had given her nothing in return then. And now she had given her life her future and he still could not feel anything but sorrow for her. The tears which had been building in his eyes since the start of his long vigil spilled over, and with them now running down his face he moved to the next body. 

He didn’t know which was worse, knowing the person who had died or not knowing them and dealing with the fact a stranger had died for him.

* * *

**Clue 2: Week before first Hogsmeade weekend of Eighth Year**

There were about fifteen of them in his dorm, made up of his year and most members of the two years below. That in itself made him uncomfortable, he had never really liked crowds or cramped spaces, and right now the room was feeling quite small and rather crowded. However Harry had accepted that once in a while something like this would happen, especially around quidditch matches and Hogsmeade weekends, there was something about these events that caused guys to come together and talk. No what was really making Harry uncomfortable was the topic of conversation. Who everyone thought was attractive.

The conversation had reached a slight lull, and he turned the page of his book, leaning back against the wall, trying his best not to look like someone to target with a question. 

Seamus spoke up, directing his question to Ron. Harry was inwardly relieved. ‘So if you had to pick who would be your top three in the year then?’

‘Why are you asking me, I have a girlfriend?’ was Ron’s slightly belligerent reply.

‘Because it’s interesting.’ said Seamus, ‘You know what, why doesn’t everyone give their top three, that way no-one’s singled out.’

‘Sounds like an idea.’ Piped up Ritchie Coote, from the year below Harry, ‘but do the top three from the year you’re in, that’s easier to start, we can always mix years later on.’

‘Ok’, said Seamus, ‘and just to be clear this is assuming that anyone would give you a chance, who would be the top three you’d go there with?’

It started with Sloper who named Ginny and a couple of others from his year who Harry didn’t really know very well. It continued in a circle from there, and Harry was relieved to realise that he would be one of the last to answer. That didn’t stop the panic building in his chest, as it got closer and closer to him. 

He had never really thought about who he found attractive in his year, or any year for that matter. It always seemed like an abstract concept that he did his best to ignore in conversations. He absently noted that Daphne Greengrass and Susan bones had been names that Dean Seamus and Neville had all said, albeit the last quite blushingly, before adding Hannah Abbot.

‘Why Hannah, Neville?’, called Dean.

And Neville, quietly responded that he was taking her to Hogsmeade weekend before trailing off as everyone started nodding, and a few gave him a congratulatory whoop or phrase.

Harry however was not focused on Neville’s romantic success, he was still trying to come up with names to give. When girls were discussed, he pondered, Daphne and Susan were two names always seemed to be mentioned, but to Harry there was no reason why these girls would be considered more desirable than others. To him there was no stand out girl that he would take above others. He considered trying to eliminate people but when he did that he realised that there was no one in his year that he could see himself with.

The circle got to Ron and Harry was now starting to sweat. Ron, quickly, almost clinically, listed off Daphne, Lavender and Hermione, and received a few questioning looks about the first name, but shrugged his shoulders in a what can you do sort of manner, and people moved on. Then it was his turn. Not wanting to stand out, he tried to match Ron’s tone when he gave three names that he thought would seem reasonable, Daphne, Susan and Lavender. The circle continued and he could not help but breathe a small sigh of relief when nobody questioned his answers. 

The game quickly got boring because, and people moved on. He faded into the background, thinking about his own decisions. He didn’t like the girls in his year, particularly. What did that mean, was he gay? Dean had already come out as bi at this point so being attracted to the same sex wasn’t a foreign concept. But he didn’t think he was attracted to guys. He suspected he just had high standards, and in reality he didn't know many of the girls in his year that well. That was probably it. He decided to drop the subject, the conversation had moved onto whether to ask the house elves for some. He definitely was hungry, panic did that to him.

* * *

**Clue 3: Christmas 1998**

The majority of eighth years were having a Christmas do in Hogsmeade. Tracy Davis was hosting, probably because she was the best mix between pureblood and muggle to offend the least people. Harry had never been to something like this before, in fact he had never been invited to something like this until the previous summer, what with spending all his holidays at Hogwarts and his later summers in what was effectively protective custody. He hadn’t gone to anything during the summer, everything had been too fresh and raw to celebrate even then.

This term at Hogwarts, however, he had made friends with most of the remaining students this year no matter the house. Those that were left banding together to try and get over the ever present empty feeling of the people who were no longer with them. As such almost everyone who was in his year was going, and so Harry had responded with a yes, and was even to his surprise looking forward to it.

He arrived with Ron and Hermione and several bottles of Ogden’s finest. There weren’t many people there yet, but even so those who were, were chatting and drinking and basically just carrying on with conversations that had been going on at school. So he, Ron and Hermione deposited their bottles at what was clearly a table for drinks and poured some for themselves.

About an hour after they had gotten there Harry had split off from Ron and Hermione and was talking to Daphne and Tracy about his project for NEWT charms, he had chosen the difficult but very familiar topic of sacrificial magic and its effects. Being someone who had both received protection and given protection on separate occasions he was probably one of the most well versed practitioners of this magic in the world, that didn’t mean he found the theory easy, but despite this it was most definitely his favourite part of his eighth year so far.

The topic moved on to the proofs of Gamp’s laws and how that applied to food, Daphne’s own charms project, when Tracy spoke up, saying that she didn’t think that she had enough food for everyone, as there were a few extra plus ones, and she hadn’t provided that much anyway. Harry quickly told her that it would be no trouble to slip into Hogwarts and ask the elves for some more. Tracy thanked him profusely and he was just about to leave when Daphne rather abruptly asked if she could go with him.

He saw no reason to refuse, so accepted her help.

‘So, said Harry, ‘is there a particular passage you want to see, I doubt Honeydukes is still open, so that’s not an option, but the Shrieking Shack will be, or that one that opens behind Madam Puddifoot’s.’

‘There’s a passage into Hogwarts through Honeydukes?’, she replied, and then muttered to herself, ‘So maybe those Weasley’s _did_ have an endless supply.’

‘Um I think the Shrieking Shack would be cool, but I heard that it opens under the Whomping Willow, so that might make it difficult to actually get into the school’

‘Right,’ Harry agreed, ‘Madam Puddifoot’s it is.’

He led her behind the back of the frilly tea shop and pressed his hand against a certain tile in the wall and muttered _secomurus,_ the wall seemed to split open before him and he stepped through the new entrance.

‘Watch your step,’ he said to Daphne, ‘for some reason this tunnel doesn’t seem to get the same maintenance as the rest of the castle, I _never_ know why?’

She laughed and stepped through beside him, ‘yes I wonder, I suppose that it will remain a mystery.’ There was a beat. ‘How do you even know about these, anyway?’

‘Well... long story short, my dad and his friends spend a lot of time exploring places they shouldn’t have been exploring and made a map, and then through a series of convoluted events which I’m just going to put down to the will of magic at this point, someone gave me this map.’

‘Let me guess this someone was the Weasley twins’

‘Right in one, and by this point I’ve pretty much memorised it, along with a few extra rooms that they never found.’ He added conspiratorially. She laughed again and they continued walking in silence for a few minutes until they reached the Hogwarts end of the tunnel.

‘So I heard Draco came out this term, was that a big shock or did you know already?’, asked Harry, once they were safely in the castle.

She cast him a sideways glance that he couldn’t quite interpret, ‘lets just say it wasn’t too much of a shock, all things considered.’

‘Really, I never would have guessed, but then again the wizarding world is much more tolerant of that sort of thing, in the muggle world gay people face a lot of discrimination. The Dursley’s, my relatives who raised me, were particularly acerbic towards anyone they thought might be like that.’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘well the wizarding world, hasn’t had too much going for it these past years but I guess that’s a plus.’

‘Yeah,’ he agreed, trying not to sound bitter, ‘dark wizards trying to kill me every few months, but at least I could be gay in peace.’

She laughed a third time, but this one seemed slightly more forced.

They got to the kitchen quickly, and unsurprisingly the elves provided them with more food than they could carry, in spite of the fact it was pretty obvious that they shouldn’t be there. The most trouble they had was the head elf giving them a bit of a suspicious look before conceding that they were still students, and helping to load up some mince pies. A package almost as wide as the passage bobbing gently in their wake as they walked back down the tunnel chatting amiably. 

The whole house cheered uproariously when they walked in the door followed by the food, and they quickly set it on a side table, before parting and going off to chat with their friends.

Ron was looking at him strangely when he walked over, ‘you were gone a long time.’ he called when Harry was halfway to him.

Harry looked at his watch and noticed more than forty five minutes had passed since they left, although, he thought, that was probably a reasonable amount of time to get to the kitchens and back.

‘I suppose.’ was his non committal response.

When he was within arms reach Ron quickly grabbed his face and seemed to start to try to examine it, obviously forgetting Harry’s aversion to unwanted touch. Harry recoiled almost instantly and Ron quickly apologised.

‘What was that?’ Harry hissed at him.

‘Sorry just checking for lipstick.’ was Ran’s glib reply, albeit quite a quiet one.

‘Why...what,’ Harry spluttered.

‘You see,’ said Ron, as though he were talking to a child, ‘often when a girl and a guy leave a party together for an extended period of time they you know...’ ,left the sentence open to interpretation and he raised his eyebrows, before adding; ‘especially if they have some drinks in them first. Hermione, back me up here.’

Hermione looked like she was trying to stay out of the conversation but responded anyway, ‘Just because we did,’ she looked a little pink at this confession but continued, ‘doesn’t mean everyone does, but I do think that is a reasonable generalisation.’

‘What, you mean... get off,’ said Harry unsurely, ‘nothing like that happened, we just went to get food.’

‘Ok…’ Said Ron, clearly unsure whether to believe him, ‘but if you did good on you she’s…’

He trailed off glancing at Hermione, not wanting to finish his sentence in front of her. But she hit him lightly with her bag anyway, and they started to playfully bicker about Ron’s supposed ‘unfaithfulness’.

This left Harry with his thoughts, and the realisation that it had never even crossed his mind, that that was why Daphne had asked to accompany him. He hoped it wasn’t, he enjoyed talking with her about charms but would feel extremely awkward in the future if he knew she might have been hoping to get off with him.

Putting the matter aside, he went back to the party. He could think about it later, after all. 

* * *

**Clue 4: Some time in the Easter Term**

He was sitting at the Gryffindor table, well Gryffindor table was a strong word as almost all the returning eighth years had taken to sitting together for dinner, and it just happened today they were at the table usually sat on by Gryffindor students. Malfoy sat across from him and to his left Lavender and Seamus were in a heated discussion. Hermione was off Headgirling and Ron was, to the best of Harry’s knowledge, with her.

Abruptly, Lavender turned to him and said, ‘Back me up here Harry, would you rather go to the moon or bang anyone of your choice. This idiot would choose Gwenog Jones over space.’

Startled slightly Harry thought about it for a moment before responding, ’I think the moon would trump anyone for me, personally.’

‘Thankyou,’ said Lavender.

Dean decided to weigh in with his opinion, ‘I would probably go with Harry and Lav here, but I admit if a young Carrie Fisher showed up in that gold bikini, it would be close.’

‘Really,’ replied Harry.

‘Yeah, I first saw that movie when i was twelve, and let’s just say that’s when I absolutely knew I liked women, if you know what I mean.’

‘Same with me and Gwenog Jones,’ put in Seamus, ‘remember that picture of her on the front of witch weekly.’

Everyone nodded, it had been talk of the school for a few weeks in second year.

‘Anyway is there a guy you’d go for as well Dean’

‘Oh absolutely, I saw that film Titanic a couple of years ago and, well, lets just say I would do anything for Leonardo Dicaprio.’

This got a mixed response around the table, as, although most of the wizards had been introduced to Star Wars, most were unfamiliar with the newer film.

‘What about you Draco,’ continued Dean, ‘When did you realise you liked guys?’

If Draco was surprised at being included in the conversation he didn’t show it, he mostly kept to himself and it was clear to all who talked to him that he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He had said himself that he didn’t feel he deserved to be at Hogwarts, but felt he had nowhere else to go.

Harry wasn’t expecting him to answer, but it seemed Draco was more comfortable in his sexuality than anything else about himself. Although at this point perhaps that wasn’t saying too much.

‘I guess I always knew I wasn’t attracted to girls’, he said after a moment, ‘but it took a long time to realise, or maybe admit to myself would be saying it better, who I was attracted to…’

He trailed off as if unsure how to continue.

‘I always wanted their attention, so I guess I antagonised them to get it. It took me a long time to realise it was because I was attracted to them.’

Lavender seemed to get who he was referring to at this point and looked sideways down the table to see if anyone else was following.

‘I guess… well, I guess I started to realise when they arrived at my house last year, beaten and bloody, that I didn’t hate them like I thought and then over the summer I did a lot of soul searching and worked it out from there…’

He looked at Harry, and so did everyone else, it took him a moment to realise who Draco meant.

‘You mean me?’, he questioned almost incredulously.

‘Yeah it surprised me too,’ Draco laughed nervously, ‘Anyway that’s when I realised I liked guys, I’ve moved on from you, Potter, don’t worry. It was more I had no idea what I was feeling so I took it out on the source, but now I know... I suppose it lost its appeal without the animosity there. In short I can do much better, I’m a Malfoy after all.’

Dean reached out and clapped him on the back, ‘well good on you for telling us, that can’t have been easy.’

Draco seemed to swell slightly from the praise before collapsing in on himself again, ‘It helps to talk about this stuff and well if I’m honest it's probably one of the better things about me, so I can’t feel that embarrassed about it when I have done so much other shit stuff.’

There was a slightly awkward silence as no one appeared to know what to say next. ‘So Harry,’ Dean, with the sense of someone who was trying to move the conversation on, ‘Who was your first celebrity crush, you’ve heard all ours?’

‘I guess I never really had one,’ he replied carelessly.

‘What!’ Exclaimed Lavender ’Surely there was someone who you looked at and thought yeah I like girls now, for me it was Lockhart. Though he was a guy so it wasn’t exactly the same, and I guess his personality started grating on me after a while.’ 

‘No I never really had that,’ said Harry, ‘I s’pose it just crept up on me, that I like girls.’

‘So who do you think off when you wank,’ Seamus interceded brusquely.

Harry felt hot, ‘I guess I don’t really think of anyone in particular, I mean sometimes I tried but I could never, you know, picture anyone and it ended up, erm, turning me off.’ Harry said, embarrassed. ‘Anyway, I’ve got Transfiguration for McGonagall tomorrow, so I’d better get started on that, or I'll be up ‘til midnight.’

He beat a hasty retreat from the great hall. Harry hated questions like that, but as Draco had been so honest he had felt compelled to answer truthfully. He didn’t know what the big deal was about wanking and why guys always talked about it so much. For him it was a take it or leave it sort of thing, sure it felt ok but he never felt compelled to do it like some guys claimed. He’d also never had a wet dream. Maybe he just had a low sex drive.

* * *

**Realisation: A few days later**

Harry didn’t mean to eavesdrop, well not at first anyway. He was walking past a classroom when he heard his name.

‘What about Harry, who do you think he’s interested in,’ he thought that might be Seamus’s voice, ‘I thought maybe Daphne, after the Christmas party but I’ve seen nothing since then anyway.’

Harry had stopped walking, curious what the others in the room would say.

‘You don’t think he is gay do you?’ Dean asked.

‘No,’ said who he thought was Lavender, ‘I don’t think he is, I just don’t think he’s really interested, girls or boys, I think he might be asexual.’

‘You mean if we got a hold of one of his toenails we could grow a whole new Harry Potter,’ Seamus joked. ‘Scary thought.’

‘If we had a toenail we could just make polyjuice,’ put in Dean, ‘but then I suppose that wouldn’t really be Harry’

‘True,’ agreed Seamus, ‘But what makes you think he is asexual, Lav?’

‘Oh just little things,’ she said, ‘he said he hadn’t had any crushes, and I’ve never seen him act interested in anyone. There are other reasons but they’re the two main ones.’

‘You might be right,’ said Seamus.

‘On a related note. Do you think Daphne is interested in him?’ Interjected Dean.

Harry started walking again, he didn’t really want to hear the answer to that question. If it was yes it would just make him feel awkward. 

As he walked he thought; Lavender thought he might be asexual. He had never considered that. Harry always knew he wasn’t attracted to guys, he assumed that he was attracted to girls, but was he? He hadn’t had any crushes that he was aware of apart from that time he convinced himself he must have a crush on Hermione. That was early in his Hogwarts career when everyone had been all giggly and whispery about who they liked, and crushes were a big deal. Hermione was the only girl he really spent time with, so logically he assumed he must have a crush on her. But it didn’t take him very long to realise that he viewed her exactly like he imagined he would view a sister.

Over the next few weeks Harry had an ongoing internal debate about his sexuality, during his weekends he often went to a muggle library and searched for stories about asexuality. There didn’t seem to be a standard definition, just if you call yourself asexual you are asexual which was circular and frustrating as definitions go. He could relate to parts of the stories, but most of them started ‘I always knew I was different’ and that was not how he felt, he had always assumed everyone was like him and until recently he had no reason to doubt this.

He nailed a few terms down: He wasn’t sex-repulsed, he knew that. He definitely wasn’t gay or bi. But what he was exactly he struggled to nail down. It was only as certain events came back to him that he truly started to think of himself as asexual and probably aromantic. It was like Lavender said, there was no main event that he could look at and think ‘yes, I’m aro-ace’, it was more a collection of events that all pointed to this fact.

After a few more weeks, Harry thought perhaps it should have been obvious. Maybe it was, just to everyone except him, Hermione probably already knew, or at least suspected; she was good at this sort of thing after all. He should probably talk to her.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So yeah thanks for reading, hope it was enjoyable or informative or something. *Shrugs at you unsure what to say next* Oh if you want to leave kudos or a review that would be great, but absolutely don't feel you have to.


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